By Madison Kitch
For some people, social media is a distraction from those overwhelmingly important decisions like whether to order your latte hot or cold. For others, social media allows them to live a fantasy life where they marry Noah Centineo or Selena Gomez. There is though, a third, unidentified category of people on social media that completely ruin it for the rest of us: those darn story spammers.
First, it was Snapchat; then, in 2016, Instagram introduced the stories feature. Stories were once was a safe place where I could go to see a funny moment captured on camera with my friends, but now it’s full of lackluster food photos and inane animal videos. I only check stories to see if there’s any posts I can use to passive-aggressively embarrass my friends in 20 years on Facebook (ew).
Spammers apparently find great joy in capturing every moment of their lives and posting it on social media for their dearest friends and followers to see. Showing your followers an eccentrically aesthetic milkshake you bought is interesting once or twice, but nobody cares about a gross half-eaten sandwich. I’m sure that steak was great, but please, you don’t need to rub it in my face.
The thing is, spammers don’t know that what they do is annoying; they’re just having a good time. Well, I’m telling them now that they have to realize sooner or later that not everything has to be shared on social media. Posting 17 Snaps in a row of your dog chewing a bone is just plain annoying. “Fido” may be cute, but he’s not worth that many shaky videos with honking laughter in the background. Sorry, Fido. It’s not your fault your owner doesn’t realize that it takes you awhile for you to get through a bone, and only a snippet of that process is Instagram-worthy.
When I see all the little dashes on someone’s Instagram story, I sigh and swipe. The problem is, if I don’t scroll through their story every two hours, they get mad and say I’m being a “bad friend.” These people have the audacity to claim that I’m a big jerk for unfollowing them. It’s not like I was in the middle of fourth period and desperately trying to learn why polynomials are important. Sorry, I forgot to set my alarm every 30 minutes to check your mediocre Snapchat, Britney.
People say that since it’s their page, they can do what they want, but I disagree. I don’t want to see their profile picture queued up first, signaling that a lot has happened since I last opened Instagram. I pay for this service just like everybody else, and I have rights, too. Instead, I want to see a relatable meme my friend sent me or even my crush’s story. Honestly, story spam should be considered a crime. They’re polluting my precious phone with videos of them having a good time? Ridiculous.
However, these are all minor inconveniences compared to the ultimate spammer paradise: concerts. Whether it’s the loud and exciting Lady Gaga concert or the soothing and mellow vocal stylings of Kacey Musgraves, there is bound to be shaky shots and awful audio. Look, I’m not trying to be mean, but honestly, if I wanted to go to that concert, I would have just bought tickets. A simple boomerang with the location is enough to intrigue someone and make your superiority known. If they genuinely want to know how it went, they’ll swipe up and ask. Please don’t torture the rest of us with “Sicko Mode.” Seriously, I was tempted to delete my account after the Travis Scott concert.
Story spammers, I get it. You just want to show all of the cool things you experience because you’re better than us in every way. That’s perfectly fine, but please restrain yourselves from posting an entire event. Send an hour-long video to some close friends (or don’t). I don’t care, as long as it’s not me.