Tune out the broke with Airpods

Illustration by Kassidy Webber

By Riley Cable

Cords are now a thing of the past, and no one can say otherwise. The constant worry of your headphones tangling up is no more, and the blessing of Apple’s Airpods have taken its place. Old-fashioned headphones need to be thrown in the trash ASAP, for they represent mediocracy. It’s simple: Airpods show superiority. As you try to come up with any excuse to avoid buying Airpods, just remember that total power over everyone could be yours. All you have to do is drop an easy $160, a small price to pay to be a part of an elite society.

Airpods have changed the headphone game. Despite the many other wireless headphones that came out before Airpods, none of them truly had the same effect. Your humongous gamer headphones are not on trend anymore, so please make the switch. They may be tiny, but they sure are mighty. Airpods are perfect for any setting; whether you need to hide the fact that you aren’t listening or you want to make it clear that you don’t want to talk. Airpods give you the power to be rude, so why not utilize it?

You’ll have no problem bumping to your favorite tunes with your Airpods in, and on top of that, you can avoid conversation with everyone, especially ”the broke.” It might be hard to face reality, but wake up. Realize the obvious importance of social hierarchy. Anyone who owns Airpods is instantly moved to the top of the food chain. Rethink who your friends are; you need to find people more like you. Your old, broke friends need to be replaced if they don’t live as luxuriously as you do. They’re simply not as powerful, and you can’t let them hold you back. As you walk around, steer clear of those that have dirty, white cords hanging from their ears. They are peasants. If you enter a room with too many headphone users, make sure to bring your perfume because it might smell like broke in there.

Remember that group of cool kids you’ve always been scared of approaching? Erase any fear you have that they will not like you. You intimidate them now. You’re the cool kid now. When you glance across a room and see someone with glowing ears, you can instantly infer that they are one of you. It doesn’t matter if you’re an “OG” Airpod user or if you only recently got yours. You are all the same, and you all hold the same supremacy over non-Airpod users.

Don’t even think about listening to the haters. No, Airpods don’t constantly fall out of your ears. Actually, they stay in more because you don’t have the constant worry of ripping your earbuds out by the cord. They become a part of your physical being. People will come up with any reason to not get Airpods, but in all reality, they desperately want them as well. It’s clear that there is absolutely nothing wrong with Airpods, and anyone who doesn’t have them is unworthy of your attention. It doesn’t matter what your English teacher has to say; she doesn’t have Airpods.

Walk around with your head held high and your hair behind your ears to show off your power. Don’t worry about flexing too hard; there’s no such thing. Get your hands on this perfect gem, for you deserve every second of praise you will get. You are now the best of the best, and you have your Airpods to thank for that.

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Riley Cable is a senior, and this is her third year on “The Roar” staff. This year she is taking on the role as Editor-in-chief. Riley loves to write features and sports, specifically soccer. In her free time, she loves to take workout classes, get coffee or just drive around blasting music. Riley loves being surrounded by good energies, and she loves to constantly be around people. Riley’s current plans after high school are to attend college and hopefully pursue a career in neuroscience or psychiatry, but she wants to keep writing on the side.