By Madison Kitch
Everyone loves to celebrate love, and why shouldn’t they? Human affection is practically a necessity for survival (or something like that). I don’t blame them, but a whole holiday dedicated to love is entirely too much. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Valentine’s Day is a consumerist cash grab– and no, I’m not just saying that because I’ll be alone.
A holiday meant to celebrate people in happy, loving relationships is simply ridiculous. Rewatching New Girl should be enough for a person, and I’m speaking from experience. I literally deserve compensation for being forced to sit through all of the Valentine’s Day Instagram posts and stories. Multiple Boomerangs of your ‘bae’ are not worth my mental sanity. I’m sorry I can’t be here, cheering you guys on, for your three-week anniversary. Maybe I’ll catch the next one (not the next anniversary, the next boy).
The amount of music and albums dedicated to this holiday makes me sick. Allow me to listen to Adele’s new album in peace, please. Bring your happy-people music somewhere else. Put away the playlist of trademark old love songs you made for your boo. Peer pressure can’t even stop couples from posting their five-minute-long love stories. I’m feeling faint. A bout of consumption may be upon me.
All of the reasons listed above are more than enough to hate on Valentine’s Day, but I haven’t even gotten to the gift-giving. Stores start selling Valentine’s Day merchandise the week after Christmas. They completely skip over New Year’s, and I’m sick of it. Put some respect on January first.
I’ve never worked in retail, but I swear that stores also put out the absolute ugliest stuff first. Walking through the aisles anytime in January leads to a sickening amount of red and pink. The amount of heart necklaces and teddy bears holding cheesy hearts makes me want to veer my cart to the greeting cards aisle and close my eyes. It’s the companies that want to break up couples, not me; why would a man get his beloved girlfriend another one of these? For the love of all that is sacred, let her wear something that doesn’t look like a toddler drew it. Maybe actually knowing your girlfriend as a person would help when it comes to gift-giving, but who cares about her personality?
I rally for a new holiday. A holiday that helps everyone. A holiday that unites people, not just couples. I think we need a day-after-Valentine’s-Day holiday. We should celebrate the sheer amount of stale candy that goes on sale on Feb. 15. A 50% box of the most mediocre chocolate you’ve ever had is something way more celebration-worthy than ‘a relationship.’
Whether you’re flying solo or tied down by a significant other (yes, that’s the correct term) just know that I’m rooting for you– and the inevitable drama that will come after the breakup. High school is a breeding ground for reality TV executives, and I’ll be watching with my clearance candy.