By Sage Tippie
So, it’s official: the earth is literally dying and not in the cute fun way I tell my friends I’m “literally dying” while I stare at an overused reaction picture on Twitter with a straight face. The “scientists” are saying that we have approximately 12 years to change our ways to save the destiny of the earth forever. Are you kidding me? That’s like so much pressure, and stress gives me wrinkles. As I like to say, “Change is hard, and I’m lazy,” so changing in any way to benefit anyone besides myself is completely out of the question.
I don’t even care about people in this room, so how can I be expected to care about people that don’t even exist yet? That’s their problem and their fault for being born in the wrong generation #sorrynotsorry. My self-appointed responsibilities include finishing the current season of the “Baking Wars” and walking the long distance from the couch to the fridge between episodes. I’m saving the world from a potential climatic meltdown that comes from not taking care of my mental health. I haven’t done anything productive this week, but I deserve it.
As if global warming even actually exists. Yeah, the polar ice caps are melting at an alarming rate, but it’s also gonna be the coldest New Year’s Eve on record for the east coast. Explain that, science. Climate change is a hoax. I will keep believing this despite the overwhelming evidence because I choose to stay ignorant. I am also selfish. Oops.
Changing my habits to ensure a safe future for my grandchildren is just way too much to ask. I don’t even want kids, so there. Do you think that I, a teenage girl who has never worked a day in her life, would ever be willing to actually put in effort to save what? A bunch of plants? Absolutely not. In the same way that Daddy gives me money, the earth lets me survive, and just like with Daddy, I take it for granted and only use it for what it gives me. The earth is just a big ball of dirt with some grass on top. It’s the only planet that sustains life? Big whoop. Nature is like kinda gross anyways. Dirt? Disgusting. Fresh air? Never heard of it.
Apparently, me eating meat is somehow destroying the earth? I don’t get it. If we’re eating the cows, shouldn’t there be less carbon emissions? You say it has something to do with the gas released from their farts? Seems fake. You can thank me later for eating those gassy little monsters in the form of filet mignon, medium-rare. I mean, ya, they wouldn’t exist if we didn’t breed them for consumption, but still, I’m like so helpful. You really expect me to stop eating meat one whole time a week to save Earth? Humans need protein to survive, and I love my morning bacon, pork chops, chicken tenders and overpriced steak. Nothing can keep me away from burgers, barbecue and hot dogs, not even the threat of impending doom; I am an American after all.
Also, there’s that whole thing about using less water. How are we losing water? It’s called a water “cycle” for a reason. People keep telling me to take shorter showers, but I have an entire concert to perform in there. My fans are expecting me. I can not afford to give up a single minute of my precious, scheduled 45-minute showers; I get all of my best ideas in there. That is literally the only time during the day that I actually, like, think. I’m pretty sure that saving water would mean me losing brain cells, and I already have a pretty limited amount of those as it is.
Since I’ve gained the knowledge of the bleak fate of our planet earth, this is my formal announcement that I will be making absolutely no changes moving forward. See you all in 20 years when “climate change” actually shows itself in the form of mass destruction. Until then, hugs and kisses and cheers to being selfish and the rapid extinction of all species, including us.