By Sage Tippie
In the past, I used to be able to limit my sorrows and simply ignore the few blossoming couples. Now, the thick fog of lonesome depression is inescapable. Something about the cold weather makes people want to couple up (not with me of course, but in general). This seasonal phenomenon is known as “cuffing season.” As soon as the temperatures drop below 80 degrees, people start desperately searching for a mate to spend their winter with. I will personally congratulate anyone whose winter fling lasts beyond mid-March because feelings seem to fade as soon as the sun reappears and their skin turns a fraction of a shade darker. The tan makes people cocky, and so they free their winter boo in search of a new partner to spend “the best summer ever” with.
Don’t get me wrong I love love, but after a point, it’s gross. The couples making out in the halls: gross; the sappy Instagram posts: atrocious; the hand holding: absolutely disgusting. No: I’m not just saying this because I’m incredibly alone and have never felt love; that’s not it. I’m not bitter at all. It’s just hard to escape the suffocating feeling of loneliness when everywhere you look, Bam! Another couple. New ones pop up as quickly as hate comments on a Jake Paul video.
This whole “love” thing seems to come to a head just in time for February, aka the month that brings me to a whole new level of emo. There’s Valentine’s Day and Sadie’s, chocolate and flowers and hearts. This whole month fills me with a sense of heartache that can only be cured with excessive amounts of ice cream and impulsive rewatching of “Pretty Little Liars.” But you know what, I’m happy for you wholesome couples who do have someone to spend this special month with, and I wish you the best in keeping your Sadie’s date around long enough for prom.
Nonetheless, an unquenchable desire for actual feelings makes me just a little passive aggressive. Forgive me. If we’re being honest here, and no offense, but actual feelings for someone are, um, highkey disgusting. Putting yourself in a situation to be completely vulnerable to someone else? I’d rather die. Just the word “commitment” triggers a cringe. Once you’re in the relationship, you’re stuck, like for at least a few weeks. That’s terrifying. What if they binge watch the entire season of “Black Mirror” without you? Yeah, they’re in “love” or whatever, but they also put their hearts at risk of being crushed into a million pieces. Thanks, but I’d rather stick with the low quality plot lines and terrible acting that comes with PLL.
In the end though, I’ll be okay. I’ve gone 17 years without a manz, and I’ve survived. I’m only a tiny, little bit dead inside. “Cuffing Season” will be over before we know it, and then we can all go back to being lonely and suffering together like the good ol’ days. There’s always next year, and I’ll start accepting applications for that cuffing season now. Apparently, I’m going to need quite a bit of time to get someone to fall in love with me, despite what the impossible hypotheticals I create in the shower trick me into believing. If you need a new winter boo for next year, please please hit your girl up. Really, I can’t handle another season of stormy solitude or PLL. Please spare me the lonely tears and painfully drawn out episodes. Thank you in advance.