Twizzlers are disgusting

By Izzie Thornley

Every Halloween, witches, ghosts, superheroes, and princesses roam late into the night, traveling from house to house in search of the bowl with the attached “take one” sign. After a long night of work searching every neighborhood within a two mile radius of home, trick-or-treaters run to the  bowl only to find that all of the Reese’s, Hershey’s, Snickers, and even Whoppers have disappeared like phantoms in the night. They dig through the bowl, hoping to find one last abandoned fun size Milky Way bar or even an Almond Joy, only to discover the epitome of trashy candy remaining: Twizzlers.

This is an age-old debate of which licorice candy is better: Red Vine or Twizzlers where one side is wrong, and the other side likes Red Vines. Twizzlers sit on the top 10 list of the most despised treats sold at your local candy store, right below wax lips but right above Circus Peanuts. The disgusting “strawberry-flavored” candy has wrecked the name of licorice, bringing Red Vines down with it. Thanks to Twizzlers, Red Vines have been knocked down a few notches on the candy barometer.

Red Vines, unlike Twizzlers, taste like something edible, even if artificially-flavored. Twizzlers are a watered-down stick of wax with a hint of cherry cough syrup and does not even taste artificial, let alone like anything found in nature. Consumers are better off eating Tide Pods (Don’t). Remember to make a dentist appointment before you take a bite of these ridiculously hard-to-chew candies. Better yet, just get rid of the Twizzlers in your house altogether and save not only a tooth, but electricity, too because Twizzlers won’t go to waste as long as you use them as what they should be: candle wax.

Both brands of licorice have websites promoting their products’ many attributes, but there is one glaring difference. The Red Vine website provides recipes from cookies to salsa that feature the licorice. The Twizzler website, however, shows the different ways you can use the product. Not eat… use. It turns out, Twizzlers are actually straws. The first pop up on the page takes you to step-by-step instructions on how to use a Twizzler as a straw. The website is basically screaming that Twizzlers have more structural integrity than flavor, and humans should not eat these candies. On the bright side, the environmentally-conscious consumer can feel good about using the product to reduce plastic waste. Now that California has banned straws, Twizzlers are better off being used for your humble Starbucks order: a venti iced skinny hazelnut macchiato with sugar free syrup, an extra shot, ice, no whip, and an extra Twizzler-straw, please.

The non-existent question of which candy is better extends far beyond the Halloween season. When you think about going to the movie theater, your mind goes straight to thinking about the many snacks and concessions. You instantly imagine the usual combo: popcorn, soda, and a candy. There are many, many sweet treats to choose from when you are at the movies, but guess which candy barely sold. That’s correct: Twizzlers have hardly ever been sold at theaters; the only licorice labeled good enough to be sold regularly is Red Vines. Red Vines are easily breakable, chewy, and not too sweet, making them the perfect treat for any movie. Twizzlers hurt your jaw after gnawing on that tasteless stick for two hours, and all of that loud chewing makes you that person. Ever wonder why the people who check the tickets decided to start checking bags, too? It’s so that no one will sneak in Twizzlers and ruin the entire movie for everyone else. It leaves you labeled more obnoxious than the teenage girl who checks her Snapchat every five minutes seeing that her crush still hadn’t watched her story. You’re more annoying than the group of children who insisted on sitting in the middle of the row even though one has to get up and use the bathroom every five minutes thanks to the extra-large slushie that mommy bought. Red Vines are sold at the movie theaters for proper, law-abiding citizens to quietly enjoy.

Candy is meant to be a sweet treat devoured at the end of a long, hard day, so don’t eat your feelings away on something as rancid and inedible as Twizzlers. You deserve better. Red Vines are a semi-sweet treat perfect for any situation. Movies? Red Vine. Quick dessert? Red Vine. Not every situation will be perfect for a Red Vine. Candle? Twizzlers. My point, in short, is that if my little brother brings home any Twizzlers while trick-or-treating, well, I’m going to scream.