By Wyatt Boyle
Everyday when the bell rings, students and teachers race out of their classrooms hoping that they’ll arrive first to purchase some delicious, mouth-watering school lunch. Just kidding. everyone here would rather starve than taste their own cafeteria’s food. In the past, school lunches cost a single penny, and to be honest, that’s what they’re still worth. Whether its the smaller portions, or the taste falling from bad to horrendous, school lunches have seriously gone downhill since the third grade.
All meals start with an entree, and the cafeteria doesn’t lack options. The only somewhat tasty entree, and sadly probably the healthiest, is Papa John’s pizza (not that it has much else to compete with). You know school lunch is bad when soggy pizza that’s been delivered from a location twenty minutes away sitting underneath heat lamps is the best thing on the menu. Aside from that, most entrees consist of mystery meat on some form of bread that expired back in 2016. Don’t worry about the crazy amount of “meat” though, vegetarians are not discriminated against because the “bean burritos” will always rein supreme. Eating one of these means biting through three miles of crust and brown mold with specks of orange. No questions asked, these burritos are a one-way ticket to the nurses office.
No true meal is complete without a side, but if you’ve noticed the trend here, you might just decide to skip out. If you’re feeling really brave, you can sample a white mush starch the cafeteria expects us to believe is rice. If you aren’t feeling like straight starch, add some variety to your diet with the cafeteria’s potato wedges. If you want to be healthy, the cafeteria also serves green lumps that are supposed to be “vegetables,” and they come in their own, separate plastic bags. Just trust me on this one, eating the weeds in the courtyard instead of this lettuce is more nutritious than the “meals” here.
To top it all off, drinks are basically overpriced, liquid poison. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve found some mystery chunks in my milk, I would have enough money to buy the rich kid stuff at Whole Foods. Even the on-brand beverages are just terrible in general. These are the drinks you purchase at your nearest Dollar Tree once you find out they don’t sell Gatorade or Hi-C. Just bring your Hydro Flask and fill it up with fountain water because even though its disgusting, its a thousand times better than this nonsense.
The best way to eat school lunch is to not eat it at all. You had both the options to borrow a sandwich from your friend or wait another two hours to eat, yet you still chose to eat the “food” from the cafeteria. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.